Hampsterization™ and the Human Workout Ethic
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| Typical Hamster expending energy on a Wire Treadwheel. |
BHI Hamsterization™
After observing
Hamsters run madly on wire tread wheels, Emeriti Lab Scientists seized upon the
idea of capturing the energy expended during this mindless activity
and applying it to the generation of electricity. Emeriti observational
skills were developed through centuries of clandestine associations with such famous figures as Leonardo da Vinci and Francesco De Diorgio.
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| Emeriti Lab Treadmills equipped with electrical generators. |
It was decided to test the hypothesis on human subjects by creating a simulated workout facility with specially adapted Treadmills equipped with electrical generators rather than motors. The initial test sample was restricted to younger more athletically inclined individuals to reduce liability risks and to increase the probability of favorable results.
[Note to Retraction Watch] (retractionwatch.wordpress.com):
"As a public service, BHI Scientists retract
all findings prior to publishing in order to avoid untidy messiness after the
fact."
Goal: Enhance the public health, safety and welfare by using less coal, oil and gas.
Objective: Produce electrical energy by capturing the kinetic energy of treadmill use and applying it to electrical generation while lowering
cholesterol and maintaining cardiovascular fitness.
Outcome: Participants received an electrical
generation credit on their personal Electric Bill by swiping a transponder card
at the end of an exercise session, resulting in a lower electric utility charge, improved cardiovascular health, lower cholesterol readings, and
the transitory sensation of being more fit.
Potential Side Effects: Undiagnosed Hypercondriacs might
damage equipment and themselves when further stimulated by lower electric bills, resulting in dehydration, kidney failure, blurred vision or even death. CAUTION: CALL YOUR DOCTOR IF SESSIONS LAST LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS!
Product of the Emeriti Brotherhood ©2013
