Emeriti Exile: 338-348 CE

Emeriti Exile: 338-348 CE
Exile: 338-348 CE, Thassos, Greece

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

55: Nominal Pharmaceutical™ Offering

Nominal Pharmaceutical™ Labs offers the following drug names to drug companies, which have been taken over by hedge funds that have no pharmaceutical knowledge and little interest in the biomedical basis of particular compound formulations or therapeutic outcomes, and whose only aim is marketing for short term profits.  Thus, the concept of a drug name that requires a drug to be attached to it for marketing purposes is born!

Interested investors may participate at the rate of $250,000 per Nominal Pharmaceutical™ drug name described in the product listing below. Initial drug prices will increase 1000% per year until the point of refusal is reached or the CEO is arrested and jailed, which ever comes first. Investor dividends will be paid before any bail money is made available to a particular CEO as per the “Due Diligence” and the “Sanity” clauses contained in the Purchase Agreement,  (See attached prospectus).

LUXURIA™: This has many possibilities in the exclusive high-end market aimed at generating a sense of well-being regardless of how well one's endocrine system is currently functioning. The side effects are complex and very exclusive.

PEUKITOL™: A purgative to stimulate strategic vomiting when simple retching fails to convey the proper message or emotion in asymmetric social or cultural settings. Side effects may include feelings of vindication and may require dry cleaning or new apparel. 

TRICTOSA™: A highly effective placebo with no side effects, except for the illusion of wellbeing.  The compound is derived from organically farmed plant based derivatives at a fair trade worker cooperative.

REGENICA™: A highly effective axon function restoration drug that features the proprietary compound, "Choline D-3" (a form of Choline acetyltransferase).
Side effects may include episodic memory spasms that serve no purpose.

ELASTICA™: Yoga in a pill!  Side effects include involuntary odd poses at inappropriate times (a form of myological Turret's syndrome).

LUBRICIA™: Useful in the restoration of joint and ligament function in elderly patients by promoting the production of hydrophilic proteins.  May lead to circulatory system stress during prolonged involuntary running episodes.

Note to Retraction Watch: As per agreement, efficacy and side effect claims have been pre-retracted to save time and money that is required to market the list.

A Product of the Emeriti Brotherhood ©2018

Thursday, February 25, 2016

54: Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™

Rise with dignity utilizing the 'Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™'

Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™ features a thumb activated lift button (1)
that lifts the cast aluminum seat frame mechanism (7), via a compact solar powered
noise insulated hydraulic motor (4), pumping fluid through a tube (5), to a 
telescoping hydraulic
arm (6), 
thus pivoting the wood slatted seat (2) about the stainless steel piano hinge (3).

Introducing the Patented Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™ retrofit kit.  It comes with a cast aluminum seat rail assembly designed to receive wood slats as shown.  It is attached by means of a heavy duty (with emphasis on the "heavy" part), piano style hinge that is installed at the front of the seat.  Dual hydraulic telescoping lift arms are powered by a compact heavy-duty hydraulic pump, which has sound dampening packing and is discreetly mounted under the chair seat. 

The Adirondack chair design has a low center of gravity, which serves us well by making it difficult to fall out of the chair once seated.  However, this virtue is its greatest liability for users who have consumed too much Meade or who have lingered too long in the seated position to the extent that muscles no longer respond to neural impulses due to lack of properly oxygenated blood supply.  In any event, and for whatever reason, this device will allow the seated user to rise with dignity. 

Focus groups responded negatively to the initial designs that employed powerful springs, which unceremoniously and unpredictably tossed users at varying distances from the chair upon activation. This Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™ design is a refinement of the original "Adirondack Spring™" design.  

Units may be purchased pre-mounted on a premium grade Adirondack chair or as a retrofit kit for standard chair designs. A catalogue is available from the Emeriti Brotherhood.

Unit designs have been scrutinized by regulatory agencies with varying results. Talk to your Doctor to see if the Adirondack Assisted Lifting Chair™ is right for you.

A product of the Brotherhood of the Emeriti © 2016

Thursday, January 29, 2015

53: Extended Care Auto Repair™

 Diagnostic data for you and your car: "Extended Care Auto Repair™"

Fig. 1: Electrode embedded undershirt with
wireless data transmission: EKG, CO2, Pulse, etc.
The Emeriti "Extended Care Auto Repair™" program provides personal biometric data for each driver in addition to mechanical and electrical automotive data required at annual auto inspection stations. Subscribers will receive a set of electrode embedded underwear and a specially configured riding helmet to be discretely worn during routine annual inspections.  The 2015 models transmit readings via wireless interface, thus eliminating the confusing array of connector cables that detracted from earlier models (See Figure 1).  Data includes: EKG, pulse, respiratory chemistry, epithelial saline, and other valuable data.  The protocol requires the driver to sit in the front seat during the auto inspection process (books on tape are provided along with the underwear).

Fig. 2: EEG Helmet with wireless transmission
EEG Helmet
A special electrode rich helmet provides an array of vital neurological readings that are transferred to an expanded dashboard light system, providing warnings to the driver in the form of illuminated icons indicated in Fig. 3.

Others include:
[CALL 911, STAT]

Fig. 3: New Extended Care dashboard symbol
showing diagnostic data output
Extended Care Auto Repair™ is available through a conventional Auto Insurance Policy Rider.  Remember, Auto Insurance is less expensive than Health Insurance.  All technicians are certified by the Broad Hill Institute Center for Advanced Biomechanics, where the academic motto is:

"Stay tuned my friends."

A Product of the Brotherhood of the Emeriti ©2015

Friday, March 14, 2014

52: Circle the Date: 3/14

“The Circle may be unbroken, but it cannot be squared…” (Old Emeriti Mantra)

Transcendent Irrationality: Early Emeriti pavement design.
(Photo: Holger Motzkau, Wikipedia Commons)
"One can make a square into a circle, but not
the other way around."
(Illustration: Papeschr, Wikipedia Commons)
 The Emeriti have always admired π’s inherent irrationality and since 337 CE, they have incorporated the symbol in manuscript illuminations and in architectural designs.  The illustration shows π embedded in the pavement at the International Emeriti Headquarters courtyard in Zürich (posing as the Swiss National Museum for security purposes). Emeriti Transcendentalism emulates π.  The superannuated scholars are often seen walking in circles while repetitively murmuring, "3.14159," in a barely audible lilting cadence with the aim of ignoring important task that remain undone.

Early Transcendentalism
This early transcendent behavior is the hallmark of the Emeriti, who have been known to say, "A life without π is square."

There are many irrational numbers, but π is one of a relatively small number of values that are both irrational and transcendental.  In like fashion, the Emeriti transcend irrationality by focusing almost entirely on achieving Pension Enlargement, which requires the concept of an actual future.

Remember the significant words of Pythagorus, who once said: "It is difficult to get around without π."

A Product of the Brotherhood of the Emeriti ©2014

Monday, February 24, 2014

51: BHI SPACIBO™ Tabs Placebos

BHI SPACIBO™ Tabs: Ibuprofen facsimile, (left); 
and Amoxicillin facsimile, (right).  
The Placebo effect has been employed by physicians since the dawn of civilization and includes compounds and rituals prescribed in Shamanistic cultures, ancient Greek medical practices, and in healing spas.  The word, “Placebo,” is of Latin origin, and literally means, "I shall please." Its antonym, “Nocebo” means, "I shall harm."  BHI Farmaceutical Laboratories™ has developed a powerful new line of concentrated placebo compounds that have been shown to provide longer lasting and clinically more effective outcomes in human trial runs.


“Spacibo” means, "I shall be thankful" (Russian, derived from Latin). Patients receiving the BHI SPACIBO™ tabs are thankful for the Gluten free, GMO free, organic nature of the concentrated compounds and for the enhanced effectiveness of outcomes without experiencing any Nocebo effects.  BHI is thankful for the added Pension Fund revenue.

Note to "Retraction Watch:" As per normal BHI publishing practices, these findings are pre-retracted to avoid embarrassing and protracted public correspondence.

A Product of the Emeriti Brotherhood ©2014